Ok, so today I was deep in my thoughts -arguably my feelings too lol- but I was literally getting a headache from thinking about things that are happening right now and felt like I was going insane. The main thing I was thinking about is how many things are about to change in my life in a matter of months, and by many I mean damn near everything.
Seeing how it is my fourth year in college, a lot of my colleagues will be graduating but due to my work/class schedule I will not. This makes me think of life, and everything that comes with it. How crazy it is that in a matter of seconds, minutes, hours, any amount of time your whole life can change permanently. Like that's actually crazy to think about, but I digress whatever.
So where did my thoughts lead me? To pictures and videos and posts and things of that sort to every social media outlet I've had since I was in middle school. From MySpace to FaceBook and all of that shit. Looking through pictures, thinking about the story that correlates with every one and the people who were in my life during those periods.
The joys and triumphs at every period and the people that were there with me to celebrate them, and also the hard times that I faced and the people who were there for me in my darkest moments.
And you want to know what I thought about? Where are these people now? All of these beautiful souls that helped me to get to where I am today, where are they? Of all the people that are in these pictures and these posts, shit even my top friends on MySpace (throwback right? haha) but where are they?
Then on top of that I began to think... Damn, do we not talk any more because of them or because of me? All of these "friends" that I had, why haven't I heard from any of them? My number's been the same since I was a freshman in high-school so it can't be me right? Wrong...
So from these thoughts I went into a period of self-reflection. Reflecting on all of the good times, all the bad times, all the people I've judged, all the people I wouldn't open up to, all the people I saw as just in my life for a season so I refused to put an effort into making a lasting relationship.
**Side note: one of my biggest fears is that I will end up alone in my final hour. Which of course is the way the world works, you're born alone and you die alone right? But the one thing that I do not want to do is die by myself. I think it has something to do with me being put in an incubator when I was born, but nobody knows those effects, I'm not sure of any studies on that lol. Anyways yeah, definitely one of my biggest fears, digress.**
So while I'm going through these pictures and seeing all of these people who have had impacts on my life I just start to think, got dammit I'm the reason these people only talk to me once a year, when I actually decide to show myself at home. Whatever, the past is the past right?
This lead me to think, damn it'll probably be the same thing with people that I've met in college. I'll have a few people that I'm still cool with then the rest just face to face associates.
Then this lead me to thinking about careers, and life, and finally death. And somehow I came to the realization that I am the reason that I will have to be in the situation that I am most scared of... whatever digress.
So after this I started thinking about people from my past, and how I've helped them out (at least I would like to think so). Of all these people, do I still talk to them? Do they still need people to talk to? and so on and so forth.
I guess this rant end with a pretty obvious claim and a challenge. People die everyday and no matter what the age is, it always seems unexpected or too soon. These people that you've had stories with, laughed with, cried with, they're not promised a certain amount of time on this earth man. And the shittiest feeling in the world is if that person passes away and the only thing you can say is, it's been so long since I've talked to them, or Damn, we used to be so close.
So my challenge to anyone, Idk if people even read these shits but whatever, is to reach out to a couple of these people everyday in your spare time. See if they're ok. See if they're accomplishing their goals and dreams. At the very least, pray for protection and energy for them. Because you don't want to be that person at the end of your life wondering who cares that your time is coming to an end, or if you made an impact on people's lives.
You can't change the past, but you can reflect on it and use it to change your future. Learn from the lessons that you teach yourself during self-reflection. You're the only person that truly knows what you need to do in the end.
Whatever, my thoughts.
-Marcus J.
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